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[personal profile] cammeh

Ugh. I really enjoyed Uncharted 1 and 2, but I don't know how 3 got such universal critical acclaim, because, aside from the wonderful flashback at the beginning, I've been having to stop every hour or so whenever the urge to throw the game out the window gets too strong.

Cinematography is gorgeous as usual, same with the acting, but I am getting really sick and tired of how fucking formulaic it is, and of the absolutely bone-headed leaps of logic that the characters are constantly making, and just the general over the top ridiculousness.

By formulaic I'm referring to when the game contorts itself ridiculously to give Nate chances to solve all the riddles, and then the bad guys FUCKING INEVITABLY show up out of goddamn nowhere right after all the hard work is done, point guns at Nate, mock him for a while and then go LOL YOINK with the next critical puzzle piece. Like, once or twice is fine, the other games were definitely guilty of this to some degree as well, but EVERY FUCKING TIME? It doesn't make me respect the enemy as badass and intelligent that they're constantly showing Nate up, it makes me grind my teeth about the game constantly pulling this fucking repetitive improbable shit all the time to deliberately strong-arm the story where it wants to go, even when it makes no sense. I don't come out of the puzzles excited to see what's going to happen next, I just go, 'Welp, when I climb out of this hole I wonder how we're going to get ambushed and screwed over this time.' It is so fucking predictable, it's incredibly annoying. Can't we change it up? Nate and the gang could actually stay ahead of the baddies for a while, that would be a nice mix-up, or even, oh, oh, showing the baddies actually doing something intelligent to trap him instead of just having them conveniently pop out of the ether, lol ooooo such a mysterious, intimidating secret organization, riiiight? Ugh, fuck off. 

And then the stupid, stupid leaps of logic, I constantly feel like screaming and tearing my face off. I'm supposed to believe Nathan Drake is this super-canny treasure hunter?? EVERY FUCKING TIME he opens his mouth and makes some interpretation or COMPLETELY INSANE jump, like, "No, the clue has to be somewhere in this room," (WHY?!) or "We'd better hope the other half is in Syria, lol!" or "Hmmm, I'll stand here and look around, oh look there's a weird symbol over there, as above so below, lol that must mean I track my gaze straight up, presto changeo, that must be the secret entrance way the fuck over there!" I just want to stomp on his face. NO. NO NATE. NO NAUGHTY DOG. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY. FUCKING. SENSE. It's just the stupid fucking game leading you around by the stupid fucking nose, because apparently they're not smart enough anymore to come up with a chain of clues that would actually make sense, so they have to have the game lock you in with Nate and Cutter scraping 2 + 2 together to = The Great Wall of China or Some Shit in a frustrating cutscene. RAHHHHH.

And god, just the constant grinding your face into all this heavy-handed foreshadow-y shit about Nate's recklessness and pride and selfishness and jeez, Nate, why are you sooooo~ obsessed~? You're going to get someone kiiiilled~! Which would be a valid fucking thing to explore if they didn't club you over the head with it every two seconds, and have Nate constantly going lol bzuh??, I don't know what you're talking about lol, let's go jump into some more firefights huh Sully lololol. Like. Really? At the end of the last game Nate basically went on a suicide run, alone, because he could never have forgiven himself if he didn't at least try to save the world. I liked that Nate. I thought he'd come a long way as a person. And now we've skipped a bunch of time and he's even more of a reckless, irresponsible asshat than he's ever been, having apparently learnt less than nothing from his past two disastrous adventures. Ugh. I just - I want to slowly cover his face with my hand and whisper 'shhhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up, you fucking moron.' 

I just got to the part where Nate is darted in Yemen, and the freaking telepathic Talbot voiceover where he's somehow whispering menacingly to Nate as Nate is running drugged through the streets was just the last straw. First of all, I hated running pointlessly through those stupid narrow streets even more than I hated running through the fog when Shepard was dreaming in Mass Effect 3, because at least that had emotional significance showing the strain of the war and guilt and desperation on Shepard's psyche. And second of all, WHY THE FUCK COULD HE HEAR TALBOT. If he was caught or passed out or whatever and Talbot was whispering to him while he was delirious, just fucking show that. Don't make like he's actually running around and force the player to WTF all over the place with the weird-ass voice-over. 

Also, this game reminds me of that quote from Vala in Stargate SG1: "I don't understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode." That torturous 15 minute scene where you're fleeing the Chateau in France as it burns down around your ears, and then the baddies using fucking rocket propelled grenades all over the place to blow the castle in Syria up right under your feet, like hahaha, no big deal, not like aNYBODY WOULD NOTICE THAT??? And then during those big cinematic scenes where they want you to flee the floor crumbling beneath you and the explosions but they want you to admire how pretty it is at the same time, so they force the camera around into that awkward viewpoint looking BEHIND Nate so you're directing him without actually being able to see where the fuck you're going??? ARRRRGHHH.

Also, the fucking spiders. How has no one in this game commented yet on how fucking weird these weaponized spiders are that we keep running into everywhere? In the other games when freaky shit happened, somebody at least went, "What the hell is this freaky shit?!" But here it's just like, 'lol whoa, those darn spiders again! should've expected that!' SERIOUSLY GUYS? What the ever-loving fuck.

Ughhhh. Fingers crossed that this gets better, but I don't think I can take another dose of this for a while. -_-

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